Confession

I have been depressed. Lately I look at other moms and I think to myself "why dont i have my shit together like them?" Then I realize, I'm depressed.

It all started right after I found out I was pregnant. I was two different people. One of me was so happy and over the moon and excited that I was pregnant that it took over my public image. I had tried for so long and so hard to get pregnant and when it finally happened for me I was in heaven. Then there was the other half of me. I was miserable in my marriage and with my life in California. I had no job, no friends, no outlet, nothing but a distant husband who took me for granted. My resentment started building then.

During my pregnancy I had a lot of health issues, had to see a lot of specialists and tried my best to maintain my pregnancy. It took a toll on my spirit and my relationship with my husband. The way my husband treated me during my pregnancy was horrible. Resentment built stronger.

At nine months pregnant I packed my stuff, and my dog and moved 1400 miles back to Texas. I was unsettled and out of place. Felt like I was starting all over but this time alone.

Then I gave birth and it seemed that no one else in the world mattered to me but Baylee. She was my whole world. It was like all the love I ever had for anyone else transferred to her and only her. My marriage began to fall apart even more.

Raising a child on your own while you're married is hard. It's hard to deal with the anger and resentment that goes along with that. Why isn't my husband putting his wife and child before himself?

Then comes the divorce, and more anger, fighting and resentment. All while trying to be a great mother for your child.

I've been so lost for so long. I am ready to get my shit together and move passed all of these feelings. I need to be happy so that I can make my daughter happy. I'm ready to be happy, though I am not sure how.