One step forward, two steps back...

Last night was a bitch!! Tuesday was an extremely emotional day for me. My mom and I got into a huge arguement and a lot of things I've had built up just came out (on the lady who works at JcPenny, No I'm not proud!). Anyway, driving home from the grocery store on Tuesday night I had a bit of a break down. I finally had a huge cry! I was feeling so sad, and alone, a huge pitty party if you will. I just started to think of Cole and how sad I was that we couldn't make things work. Then last night around 9pm out of nowhere I get a text from an unknown number. When I text back asking who the hell it was, he said COLE! I lost my breath!! I could not believe he was texting me for two reasons, 1: he hasn't had a cell phone since August and 2: I haven't spoken to him in weeks! All of a sudden it was like I had to talk to him so we text back and forth for a while. Mostly about Baylee. Nothing personal or about "us". There was so much that I wanted to say to him. I started to tell him that I wish things were different but I had to stop because I didn't want to say something that I would regret the next day or that would backfire later. So, since I didn't say it to him I thought I'd write it out here just for my own benefit.

Cole,
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. Some moments I am so angry with you that I can barely stand it and other times I miss you so much it hurts. I look at Baylee and I see all of the hopes and dreams I had for our family. There are mornings when I watch her sleep and just think about all of the good times that we had together. I remember laughing so hard it made my chest hurt, listening to you sing goofy ass lyrics, the way you ALWAYS had an answer for every question I asked (the most ridiculous, off the wall, never in a million years would it be the actual answer...answers). I think about the weekend you were home on leave and we spent three days just laying on the floor in the living room on the blankets, in front of the tv just watching movie after movie. That was probably the best weekend I've ever spent with you and we didn't even leave the floor. I think about how I wrote to you constantly in boot camp and how everyday I would rush home from work and check the mail just hoping I'd get a letter from you. And I got two every week! It was the best. Even if you only had time to write a few sentences, I would read it over and over just thinking about what you were doing at that exact moment. I lived for those letters. I guess if we could have stayed 24 forever, with no real responsibilities we could have been together for the next 50 years! But we couldn't stay that way, I had to grow up. I had to become an adult and a mother and I just could no longer handle the immaturity and recklessness of it all. All of the bad times seem to outweigh the good. I think about how you made me cry on the way to do our embryo transfer. I remember thinking that day that I would always remember the way you made me feel on that day because it was such an important day. I can still remember how my heart hurt. I think about all those nights I spent alone in California, and you were just upstairs, all the meals I ate alone and all the nights I cried myself to sleep. I think of how I went to the movies alone because you wouldn't leave the house and I would be the only single woman there everytime. I think of how you refused to go to the grocery store with me even though I was high risk and couldn't lift heavy stuff, like a 25lb bag of dog food but I had to anyway. I remember how I would spend all day working on dinner to have you not eat it and look at it like it was the most disgusting thing you had ever seen. How for 7 months I told you I smelt smoke in the house and you always told me I was imaging it only to find out it had been you smoking all along. How we went weeks with no money because you spent it all on drugs and alcohol. How I begged you to go to therapy with me so we could please save our marriage before things went to far and you refused. There are so many things I remember that hurt my heart that I could never even tell another person about because I would be too asshamed. But what I remember most and what hurts me most of all is the day you walked out the door and left us here, alone, again. This time though you didn't come back. And the really sad thing is, that a year ago I would have begged you to come home. I would have ignored everything that had happened and stored it inside so deep I could go on. But this time, I have Baylee and I have to be strong for her. Even though I love you so much more than you'll ever know. I can't have Baylee around that enviroment. I can't have her thinking its ok for a man to treat a woman that way. I can't have her listening to the fights. I don't want her hearing you call me names and I don't want her to grow up thinking that her father is a bad person. I've never loved you with my head, always my heart. I miss loving you but I know you weren't loving me back. I miss all of the times I thought we were happy but we werent. I loved you for the person you werent but who i wanted you to be. And that's my fault.