reflections

I remember writing reflections in Internship and I really thought they would be the death of me. They seemed at the time incredibly difficult. But now as I look back on blogs of other women who have suffered infertility like I have, all I can do is reflect.

When you are a woman suffering from infertility there are many things you do not want to hear about or talk about. It is like a daggar to your heart everytime a friend comes to you and tells you that she is pregnant. Although you are happy for your friend, it can be extremely painful to witness someone else's pure joy. I used to avoid the baby aisles in stores because it was such a painful reminder of what I was missing out on. Now I walk down the aisle and it smells like Baylee and I feel such joy in my heart. I wish I could give this feeling to all of the people suffering right now, but I know that is impossible.

It hurts my heart to read about women who have been trying for years to get pregnant, who try multiple medical procedures to get pregnant with none of them being successful. I know how incredibly painful mentally, emotionally and physically IVF is and I can't imagine going through it multiple times with no success.

Also, things that women do not want to hear .....
-How they cant believe they got pregnant so quick without even trying
- How if you just forget about your situation and relax, you will get pregnant
-How someone they know has the same condition and they got pregnant so you will too
- Since you've been pregnant once, it will be easier for you to get pregnant again
-Why don't you just adopt

I know there are more but these are the ones that I can think of instantly. All of these comments deserve a kick in the face. Imagine you didn't have legs and people were constantly talking about how their feet hurt from walking too much. Or why don't you just get some artifical legs to walk with. WTF?! That's your answer. negative.

Another painful thing, BABY SHOWERS! There is nothing worse than being told you will never have a child and then going to SEVERAL of your friends' baby showers. First you hear about how easy it was for them to get pregnant, then you get to experience their joy as they find out the sex, then you get to be surrounded by baby stuff as you buy a gift, and then you get to sit around a room of other women who have children and watch another woman open gifts and talk about how happy she is to be pregnant. I'll take some xanex and a bottle of wine please!

It puts you in a tough position, at least I was in one. I was honest to God happy for every single one of my friends who became pregnant, even the ones who didn't want to get pregnant and had surprises! It was very hard to watch every single one of them experience it, which is why I have never been to the hospital to visit a friend after she has given birth. You feel so torn because part of you is so happy for your friend who you love and the other part of you is filled with self pity.

For my entire pregnancy I basically held my breath. I was filled with worry that something would go wrong and this miracle would be stripped away in a second. It happens, I am not irrational. I enjoyed my baby shower so much, I can't even put it into words. But I didnt take the time to sit there and soak up what was happening. It wasn't until later when I looked at the pictures that it hit me what that day was all about. I never thought I would attend a baby shower for myself. I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life.

When it came time to pick out Baylee's Godparents I knew instantly who I wanted without a second thought. Of course, I had to run them all by Cole but those of you who know me know that this is one thing I would get my way on, NO MATTER WHAT! Of course my two brothers would be the Godfathers. Who else in the world would I trust with my most precious gift. I know they will both lead her with wonderful example. They will keep her on a Christian path and guide her when she gets lost. I know they will love her unconditionally and support her. Then her Godmothers!! I knew immediately that Aimee had to be one. Aimee has been there for years hearing about how sad I am every time I go to the doctor and receive bad news. Always there to lift me up when I was at the bottom. She was there every step of the way during my fertility treatments. I mean she remembered every single appointment. She remembered stuff that my own husband would forget. And no matter how many times I repeated my feelings or fears she listened and lifted me up. It was like she was holding my hand from 1400 miles away. I know that if anything ever happened to me, Aimee would look out for Baylee. She would love her and guide her. She will be an amazing role model to my daughter because she is the kind of woman that I hope Baylee will become one day. Then we chose Cole's sister Cristi as the other Godmother. This is important because Cole and his sister were never extremely close but I feel this bond can bring them together. I know that she will always love Baylee and she will also look out for her best interest. I know she cares for her and is truly happy for us. It's important to us that Baylee has a close relationship with her only aunt and her cousin. I feel like we made 4 wonderful choices!!

In closing, I'd just like to say that I was raised with God in my life. I went to church, I was a believer. As I got older I started to have doubts. I studied different religions and other ways of thinking. It wasn't until Baylee came into my world that I KNEW that miracles do exist and that without God, Baylee would not be possible. I know that God smiled on me the day Baylee was born and for that I will always love, and praise him.